If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you would pick up someone in the library
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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