fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
