i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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