I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
