I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
