why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
