You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
