I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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