just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
