Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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