The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I came so hard my ears popped.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
