My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
