One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
