well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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