Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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