I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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