He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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