Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
