Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
