Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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