I can text with my tongue
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
