Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
