I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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