Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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