Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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