Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
