Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
