Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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