and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
