Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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