I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
