thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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