i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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