It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
