I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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