I think I died a long time ago.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
