I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
