im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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