It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
