blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
