He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
