btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
