I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
