if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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