shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
