peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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