Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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