At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
