So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
