He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
