so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
