You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
