Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
