i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
